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Michael Vaughn

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September 7th, 2006

Topic #37; Weakness

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(sydney/vaughn) keep me safe tonight
Weakness. I could go for the obvious couldn’t I? That would be boring but I guess it doesn’t exactly matter if it’s boring. How about I go for some less obvious but probably equally as boring things about myself that could be considered weaknesses. Well for one, Hockey and a cold beer – that is definitely something I’d write down on a list. Or proving to myself that I’m exactly where I should be. That I’m damn good a my job.

Alright. Boring. I’m aware but my biggest weakness is more recent. Well seven years more recent which is not really a long time in the scheme of things. Granted its pretty much the most important time in my life to date but that’s beside the point. I know I know, get on with it already as though it’s not completely obvious what my true weakness is. I’d blanch to admit it if I didn’t think everyone whose ever heard anything about me didn’t already know it.

Sydney Bristow is my weakness. She has been since the day she walked into CIA headquarters in LA and started writing down her statement. Everyone saw it; Weiss, Devlan, Jack, Sark, Lauren and anyone and everyone who thought the best way to get something out of me was to threaten her. Of course now she’s not my only weakness, a tiny girl with her mother’s eyes also goes straight into that category.

When I first became Sydney’s handler I thought I could handle it – no pun intended. She was just a woman, remarkable yes, but a woman who had a fierce drive to get the job done. It didn’t take long before I was standing precariously out on limbs for her, busting my ass and risking my job to keep her safe and give her peace of mind. I broke into the fucking Vatican for her so it’s safe to say I was a goner. It never stopped being that way, even after two years of thinking she was dead, moving on with my life and marrying Lauren, I still would do and did do everything I could to protect her.

There are many reasons I hate Julian Sark and him holding a gun on her and forcing me to let his partner go (Lauren, the irony) and admit without actually admitting that I still loved Syd – that was only one.

The point is my weakness is easily discernable and it always has been. It’s been used against me countless times since I met her and I’m sure it will continue to be used against me. It’s not like this is news.

Muse: Michael Vaughn
Fandom: Alias
Word Count: 438

July 29th, 2006

Topic #32; Letter to ...

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spy
Lauren,

There are few times in my life when I ever truly wanted someone dead. You were one of those people. Sometimes I look back at the time we spent together and I wonder how the hell I could have missed who you really were. I look back to when we met and I think how the hell did I let this woman pull me in? I was so insane with grief over Sydney and you took advantage of that. I let you take advantage of that.

There are a lot of reasons I know I can say that I truly hate you. Because somewhere along the line I did love you, I loved you with what was left of my heart after Syd. We both know that wasn’t much at all. I wanted us to work, I wanted so much for our life and I think you knew that, I think you used that. Did you know she was alive? Did they tell you or was it just as a surprise to you as it was to me when I got the call to go to Hong Kong? I hate you for using me, for turning me into the worst parts of Jack Bristow – who I respect in most sense, his personal life not withstanding. I hate you for forcing me to kill you. You should have known I would choose Sydney.

I have a weird sense of loyalty. My vows meant everything to me. I faltered, there was a time when I thought I was going to die and I knew in those moments that life without Sydney wasn’t worth it. And then your father died and I couldn’t leave you, I didn’t think it was fair and I knew you just needed support.

Sometimes I’m such a fool.

I often wonder if you ever felt anything for me at all. Was it all just a game? Every touch, every word, was it one step closer to your goal or did you get lost in it all? Even for a second?

I wish I hadn’t had to kill you. I think you deserved so much worse than that quick of a death. And there’s still a part of me that loves you, despite it all. Though we both know I’m where I belong now. I’m with Sydney, I have a beautiful daughter who has made me understand things about myself I never knew. I would do anything to keep them safe, anything. Sydney and Isabelle are my world in a way you never were. I let you in but I never let you touch those parts of me.

I still wonder though. The real reasons why and not the trademark sales pitch.

Vaughn

Muse: Michael Vaughn
Fandom: ALIAS
Word Count: 455

July 5th, 2006

Sex sells. It’s a simple fact that everyone is aware of; at least everyone should be aware of it. It’s the reason why female agents are sometimes the most successful. Give a woman a tight outfit and a smile and if she’s good she can get in and out of any given situation using her sex appeal alone. It works for men sometimes too, but generally speaking the women are the ones in the tight dresses, they’re just prettier than us.

To me sex isn’t just some thing; it’s special. It’s more than just getting off and straight up wanting. Maybe that makes me naïve or something else but sex isn’t a tool to me. I know sex can be used as a tool, or for power or whatever else but that’s not how I see it.

Despite what I do and what I see; including having to watch men paw and grab and proposition the woman I love and not being able to do anything about it – like break their faces. I don’t use sex as a weapon and I think it should be more than that to people. Maybe it’s the boy scout in me or just the do-gooder or whatever it is people would like to call me.

[Locked]
I’ve never felt more cheap or disgusted with myself than that day at the Reed’s. We knew what Lauren was up to, we knew she was using me and I had to play along. She came into that room and Sydney’s voice was in my ear and it was all I could do to play along. Not to push her away and demand answers, the truth – anything at all.

Instead I had to do my husbandly duties and have sex with Lauren.

I already felt used, I already felt foolish and weak for falling into her game and then I had no choice but to …

I never want to feel like that again.
[Unlocked]

Sex just shouldn’t be taken lightly. It’s fun, it can be amazing but it should be more than just sex. Having sex with someone makes you vulnerable to them, in more ways than most people realize; sure a lot of people can manage to not allow that emotional connection but what is it then? Just gratification?

Muse: Michael Vaughn
Fandom: ALIAS
Word Count: 383

June 12th, 2006

Topic #25; Pet Peeve

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(sydney/vaughn) hockey
The Offside Trap.

I love hockey, I played hockey and no team I ever played on resorted to using a method that halted pretty much all flow to the game. I’m all for a good defense, defense is definitely a key part of any sport. The offside trap leaves little room for the offense of a team to do anything. It clogs everything up, it makes watching the game feel like pulling teeth and I prefer to enjoy watching my hockey. Hockey’s solace against the rest of the world, when I’m watching I don’t have to bother thinking about the CIA or how crazy life is and while I’d rather be watching it with Sydney by my side I know I get a little into the games – especially when a team is going for the offside trap. It’s a cop out, just get a better offense, a balanced team is a good team anyway. Don’t even get me started on what happens when I’m playing and a team tries to pull that crap.

There’s also not enough fighting in hockey anymore. What’s with that? Suddenly all the players have to hold back? Part of the game is about aggression; it’s getting it all out there and knowing you’re better than the other team. Mouthing off is practically a part of the game. What happened to all the fights?

Muse: Michael Vaughn
Fandom: ALIAS
Word Count: 227

June 4th, 2006

I’ve learned, the hard way, that nothing you do is consequence free. A few years ago I thought that I could search for the truth about my father and it wouldn’t affect anyone else. I continued to search and I didn’t tell anyone I cared about what I was doing. I know that without the search taking down Prophet Five might not have been as easy but I also know that not being honest about what I was doing; almost cost me my life and my family.

I always lived by the book; I was like my dad in that respect, at least the father I thought I knew. I was a company man and I tended to follow orders. Of course that all changed when I became Sydney’s handler, I didn’t always think through the consequences of my actions. I didn’t always think when it came to Syd, not that I’d really take any of that back even if I could.

It doesn’t matter if I spend time thinking about what I would do if there were no consequences for my actions. There are consequences.

The only thing I would do if I could, would be do everything in my power to rid the world of my enemies or Sydney’s; basically anyone else who might want to hurt my family. My daughter and Sydney are my priority; so if you must have an answer to that question – that’s it. It’s a lot harder than it might sound, the two of us by ourselves have more enemies than I can count, let alone when you add them together.

Consequences. You can’t really get around them.

Muse: Michael Vaughn
Fandom: ALIAS
Word Count: 275

June 2nd, 2006

What kind of pain are we talking about here? Emotional? Physical? Do you mean getting shot a few times in the chest and managing to survive with a partially collapsed lung? Or do you mean being tortured and being kept awake just to make sure you feel every second of it? Being stabbed by someone you love to save your life? Getting your teeth kicked in a few dozen times by a hockey stick? That kind of pain is easy to deal with, you heal and sometimes scar but eventually it’s over. Eventually you stop bleeding from your fingernails and get out of bed, go back to work and your world keeps on turning just fine. It’s the emotional pain that kills.

Loosing your father at the age of six and never really knowing why, vague answers when your 15 not really providing any kind of closure. Slowly and steadily falling into a web of love and denial and not being able to deal with it or even express it. That hurts. Having to look at the person who killed your father and then asking for her help. Getting the dream and then loosing it in one fail sweep. Finding out the woman you committed yourself to is using you and keeping you from the one who matters. Killing your own wife. Getting it all back and rebuilding everything that’s been damaged piece by piece only to have to give it all up because of the decisions you made. Its pain, it cuts deeper than a knife and the scars aren’t on the surface of your skin or buried in the tissue underneath – they’re carved into your very being and they’ll never fully heal no matter how hard you try.

But Pain is living, pain is life and without we’d be sleepwalking through each and every day without any reminders of why we fight. Pain and loss have literally almost killed me before; leaving me to my own devices and self destructive behavior but it’s also that pain that woke me up and caused me to realize that life is worth living. Now call that clichéd if you want, god knows it is but it’s also true. Pain slaps us in the face, replaces fear and apathy and keeps on coming even if we banish it. It’s a part of what makes us human. But yeah, pain also really sucks.

Muse: Michael Vaughn
Fandom: ALIAS
Word Count: 400

Topic #22; Religion

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I’ve never really considered myself religious and I’ve never considered myself not religious. I remember going to church a lot after my father died; my mom said it would be good for me to find something to believe in. I’m not sure I every really understood what she meant until years later. Even then it just seemed too late to throw myself into something that I really knew anything about. In my adult life I went to church on Sundays and I prayed at night before I went to sleep. I think some part of me always blamed this being everyone talked about for loosing my father and while the thoughts never filtered through my head during a sermon I did find myself thinking of other things, whether it was school or work or something completely random.

It was a few years later when religion started to scare me, confuse me. Sure Rambaldi didn’t rally people to organize a church in his name, there were so many things being done in his name that it reminded me too much of what I saw every day. The lengths of which his followers were willing to go was completely terrifying. That’s not even considering what’s happened in the past few months or what will probably continue to happen even though everything seems to be over.

I just don’t know if I can trust any religion right now, not with the years and people one almost-religion took from me. Maybe that’s just over-reaction and maybe one day I’ll get past that but I’m not sure if it’s possible. I lost my father to Rambaldi; my wife and I almost lost Sydney and Isabelle. Getting over that seems pretty damn impossible. Didn’t most religions start the same way. A man or men writing down things to come and the world falls in line? Not to trivialize the religions of the world but when you break it down, it’s all close to the same.

Muse: Michael Vaughn
Fandom: ALIAS
Word Count: 329

May 12th, 2006

Topic #20; Three Passions.

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//Encrypted Data File - Locked from Prophet Five & Associates//


Family.

My father died when I was six years old so the image I have of him has always been very specific. He was a company man, my dad, worked for the CIA until it killed him. Those were my beliefs for so long, when Renee came along and told me that my father was in fact not William Vaughn, that I was not actually Michael Vaughn the world just stopped making sense. I still had my mother though. After he died everything seemed that much more important to experience with my mother. To make sure she was in on my life. Just Michael and Mom against the world. She was the only family I had for a long time and honestly it got a little lonely growing up. All our relatives were supposedly back in France and Mom always said it was ok that we were alone, as long as we had each other. Keeping my mother safe and happy has always been something I had to do, not out of obligation but love.

Now I have my own family, a family I’ve had to leave to fend for themselves. I have a daughter who I’ve never seen and a woman I’ve wanted to spend the rest of my life with since I met her. Instead of being the kind of man I want to be now I have to hide to keep them safe. My friends, my mother all believe I’m dead. The only way I can live with that, with never having seen my daughter and allowing my mother to believe she lost another man in her life to the CIA, is because the only things I really care about is keeping them safe.

It almost seems counter productive being away in an attempt to keep them safe. I just have to believe truly believe with everything that I am that I’m doing the right thing. I think I finally understand what I couldn’t seven years ago; why my father did everything he could to protect his family. Is that passion? I’d like to think so.

The Truth

I’ve always thought of myself as someone who sought the truth, even before I learned the truth about who I was. Everything I knew to be true was actually a lie and at first I was more obsessed with finding the truth than anything else. I’m not sure when the obsession began to ebb away and passion for the truth moved in its place. Maybe when my life became more complicated – when a bozo red-headed woman walked into the CIA offices in L.A. – I started to care more about truth in general than a specific truth. If I deserved truth, didn’t everyone? Didn’t Sydney and Jack?

Not that the complications in my life stopped me from continuing my search for the truth about my father and Renee’s it became more of something I felt I needed to do as opposed to something I felt I had to do.

Passions merge and erupt, they change and bleed together. Somewhere along the line becoming passionate about taking down SD-6 turned into passion about wanting the changes to be honest, then to find common ground, then to get past my mistakes, then to find my father, then to take care of my forming family, truth about my father, why my identity was changed when I was 18 months old, that never went away.

Hockey

My least noble passion but one that hasn’t faltered since I was a kid. It always amazed me the number of kids in L.A. that couldn’t skate. Maybe it had to do with it being California or that whole ‘surfing is the only sport worth learning around here’, attitude that I’ve encountered a few hundred times in my life time. I learned to skate with my dad, before he died he’d take me to the local rink and I remember those times with him the clearest. I don’t know if that’s why I continued to skate after he died but I did.

Eventually I learned to play hockey, I was so timid on the rink that most of the kids made fun of me to their hearts content. It took a few dozen games of getting my teeth kicked in for me to just say ‘screw it’ and really go out there and play. After a while, I actually got good and found that it was pretty much the only thing that relaxed me and took me away from a world where my mother was working two jobs and the house was empty when I got home. I played in high school and college and believe it or not the CIA has an office hockey team. When I first joined the agency a few of the guys asked me if I wanted to join their little impromptu league so I went for it.

As time went by of course I stopped skating as much, couldn’t get time to play. I was working on this operation or I was too tired from that mission to Peru this week. The time I was stationed in India and Rome weren’t really conducive to hitting the ice.

I haven’t even been on the ice since last year, just before all hell broke loose, I was still trying to teach Syd how to play. Well that and I was showing off a little. Being better than her at something comes few and far between, I had to milk it.

It’s not just playing hockey that I like, though that’s what I prefer. Watching is pretty damn enjoyable too. I always tried to catch the Kings whenever they came to town and found I kind of like the Zamboni too.

Fandom: Alias
Muse: Michael Vaughn
Word Count: 956

Topic #19; Habits.

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vaughn
//Encrypted Data File - Locked from Prophet Five & Associates//


”Be careful, Sydney.”


I think I should point out something about myself. I’ve felt responsible for every member of every operation I’ve ever planned, oversaw or participated in – in every way shape or form. The CIA should have a slogan about team work and trust; without either people die. It’s something I’ve never not been able to do. Caring about the people I work with is just second nature. It got worse when I became a handler; in part because I had operational control over just about every mission and in part because it was Sydney and Sydney was not like any other Agent I knew.

Telling someone to be careful on a mission might seem wasteful but it was also second nature to me. We are all capable people; it’s something I have to believe to do my job. Most CIA field agents and even some desk trained, have seen and/or participated in their share of missions gone bad. We’ve all seen partners and other colleuges fall and we have to keep going; get the mission done. Telling someone to be careful seems trite to me, as if they don’t know they need to be careful. Like the names etched in marble at Langely or the Ops center aren’t constant reminders of what’s at stake.

I don’t think there’s a mission she’s gone on that I haven’t told her to be careful or to be safe.

Telling Sydney her that, every mission, probably gets old for her. I’m sure she rolls her eyes when my back is turned or when she’s on comms yet, I still do it. She is the most capable person I’ve ever met. By far the best agent I’ve known in my entire career; her ability to get out of bad situations never ceases to amaze me. Yet I can’t stop the words from falling from my lips. It’s second nature. It’s not like she needs that reminder but sometimes when I can’t be there or do anything else; saying those words are all I can do. Just remind her to come back to me.

It’s a habit I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to break.

Fandom: Alias
Muse: Michael Vaughn
Word Count: 360

May 11th, 2006

Topic #18; Regret

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vaughn side
//Encrypted Data File - Locked from Prophet Five & Associates//


Giving Up.

”I'm not gonna say I understand...I'm not gonna sympathize with you and tell you how hard it must be for you... But, you wanna know how I am!? I am horrible! Vaughn, I am ripped apart! And not because I lost you... but because...if it had been me... I would have waited... I would have found the truth...I wouldn't have given up on you!”


Her voice that day echoes in my head even now, years later. I’d tried to rationalize moving on for so long that eventually I believed that I had. The proof was there in the charred remains of her apartment, it was there in the ashes mixing with ocean salt. In the empty urn that was practically a metaphor for what was going on inside of me since the moment I got the call. She was dead. (but she wasn’t)

For a while after Sydney died all I did was grieve. I drowned my sorrows and my life in the crisp burning sensation of Jack Daniels sliding my throat. I drank myself numb for months, everyone who cared about me was worried for my health and my sanity. It was like a constant stream of words, all saying the same thing, blending together in my head. “Move on Michael.” And “Sydney would kick your ass if she saw you like this,” that was more Weiss than anyone else. Eventually I realized they were right, I was killing myself with grief.

”So, before you tell me you can handle me coming back to the CIA, there are two things you need to know. First... is that I was so in love with you... it nearly killed me. And second... that I don't regret moving on with my life.”


I didn’t lie to her that day; moving on from her death was something I couldn’t regret. Moving on saved my life. I gave up on the hope that, despite the evidence, she was alive somewhere. I couldn’t keep that hope alive; I didn’t think I could survive false hope. Finding a lead and then having it fall through, over and over again. It was easier to give up than to fall prey to that false hope. I was so afraid to fall back into the pattern of self destruction – afraid that I’d kill myself in the end.

Come back from what? What are you talking about? Vaughn... why are you wearing that ring?


Lauren was just a distraction at first. Someone who put up with me and my grief. She was kind and beautiful and despite everything she didn’t seem threaten by the woman I’d lost. The time leading up to the wedding is a blur now, I don’t know if that’s because I’ve gone through my memories to see how I could have missed her true attentions and her true nature. Now I can barely remember why I decided to propose. It occurred to me that maybe I was put through conditioning and then I realized I was just trying to justify my actions, justify giving up. I do remember how I proposed, no vacation anywhere, no zoo, just a nice dinner at her parents house where I got down on one knee and said something charming.

I always wondered if I was doing the right thing, if I could ever look at Lauren and stop wishing she was Sydney. In my mind I thought, “She would want me to be happy.” I took vows and I loved my wife with all of my heart that hadn’t died with Sydney – which honestly wasn’t a lot. I knew it wasn’t fair but I had been upfront with Lauren from the beginning. I look back now and wonder if she knew Sydney was alive from the beginning and then I push the thoughts away.

”If you love her, you’ll drop the gun.”


I got the call, Kendall telling me I needed to get on a plane and go to Hong Kong. Her name from his lips and my world was turned upside down. I sat on a plane for got knows how many hours and opened that door to the safe house and I knew. I had given up.

”Not everything was a lie”


Finding out about Lauren and knowing I’d been used and betrayed was one of the most horrible feelings in my life. I’d let it happen. Lost so much time, pride and dignity because I’d just given up on the one thing that had really mattered. Sydney Bristow was the love of my life.

Fandom: Alias
Muse: Michael Vaughn
Word Count: 617

Topic #10; Introduction

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//Public Record//


ID-CLASS (CIA): USS-CI-2300708
Profile: VAUGHN, MICHAEL C.
Dob: 11/27/68
Status: Deceased
Affiliations: CIA, APO
Call Signs: Boy Scout, Shotgun
Height: 6'0"
Weight: 180
Sex: M
Race: Caucasian
Languages: English, French, Spanish, Italian, Russian.
Education: Masters in French Literature
Experience: Recruit, 12-1994
Mother's Maiden Name: Delorme
Father: William "Bill" Vaughn (deceased)
Ex-wife: Lauren Reed (deceased)

Personal Details:
His father, Bill Vaughn, a decorated Agent with the Central Intelligence Agency, was assassinated in 1974 by Irina Derevko. Bill was protected a small child, later identified as the passenger (Nadia Santos), who, according to Rambaldi is a key player in what has been called ‘The Prophecy’. It was later revealed that Bill Vaughn was a follower of Rambaldi.

Michael Vaughn was assigned as Sydney Bristow’s Handler in October of 2001. After being removed from the case and the subsequently reinstated and promoted Vaughn stayed on as Agent Bristow’s handler until the fall of SD-6 and the Alliance. He began dating Agent Bristow not long after, with the Agencies full knowledge. At one point it was suspected that Agent Vaughn was a double agent; he was cleared of all charges.

After the death of Sydney Bristow, Michael Vaughn left the agency for just under two years. During that time he married the National Security Council’s Lauren Reed, daughter of Senator Reed. Nearly a year after the return of Sydney Bristow it was discovered that Lauren Reed was a double agent for the Covenant. She was shot and killed by Agent Vaughn in self defense.

Agent Vaughn was required to undergo one month of psych-evaluation after burning down his home, once finished he resigned from the CIA.

Engaged to Sydney Bristow up until his death.

Personal Ties: Sydney Bristow (fiancé), Isabel Bristow Vaughn (daughter), Eric Weiss, Lauren Reed (wife, deceased), Eric Weiss, Nadia Santos, Marshall Flinkman, Marcus Dixon, Jack Bristow

//End Public Record//

APO Database; ClassifiedCollapse )

May 6th, 2006

fandom_muses Application

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(sydney/vaughn) hugs
*AN* I'm still in the middle of Season 4, so pardon any references that aren't up to date with the end of that season or the beginning of the next.

what is one thing you have learned from your past?

Trust is something people shouldn't just be given, they should earn it. There is nothing wrong with making someone prove themselves to you. Maybe that's just my degree of natural paranoia given who I am, what I do and what I've experienced in my life but that's one of the hugest lessons I've ever had to learn.

There was nothing that could have prepared me for the kind of betrayal I felt when I found out about Lauren. Even knowing Jack Bristow and seeing what his need for revenge on Irina had done to him and the signs he pointed out to me, the instant I found out it was like the world made no sense what so ever. I replayed the day I met her, our first date, the way she listened to me when I needed to talk about Sydney. She used my grief, my trust against me and I fell for it hooks line and sinker. There were signs an entire year of signs and even more once Sydney returned and I couldn't even fathom that she was using me. Even with everything I'd seen I couldn't believe it until I saw the evidence with my own two eyes.

Trust isn't something I give freely anymore, sometimes I even have a hard time putting my faith in people I've known for years. I don't freely trust the APO and sometimes not even the people I work with. Everyone has secrets, even me. Luckily, I do have some people I trust, people like Weiss and Sydney but even now after everything, being guarded is second nature.

Describe a dream that you've had. How did the dream make you feel?

I opened my eyes slowly, the light made the pounding in my head harder but I tried to focus on the person sitting in front of me. Sydney looked back at me with concern in her eyes and I tried to move but it felt as though there were weights on my chest.

"Vaughn, you’re ok."

I smiled at her. Every time I looked at her it felt like the past two years had been a nightmare and some how it hadn't happened. Then everything came rushing back as the familiar weight of the ring on my hand registered in my mind. Sydney moved to sit on the edge of my bed.

"I miss you."

There was nothing to say, I just leaned foreword and kissed her. I held her and then I felt the stabbing pain in my gut. Sydney pulled away and stared at me with abject hate in her eyes.

"You'll never betray me again."

I looked down at the blood pooling on my hospital gown and then I opened my eyes again. Lauren sat where Sydney had just been with a reassuring smile on her face. I just stared at her wishing she was someone else, despite the dream.

May 4th, 2006

I always thought I was familiar with grief, my father was murdered when I was six. I guess it was foolish to think you could compare any kind of grief. The grief of a child, while one of the most painful experiences in my life doesn't seem to compare to loosing Sydney. Maybe it was only because my capacity for grief is different than when I was six or maybe it's only because my capacity for self destruction has grown considerably since I learned the fine art of overconsumption. I don't know many six years old capable of drowning their sorrows in a glass of Jack Daniels.

I spent six months talking to her, like she was there. Rationality was the furthest thing from my mind but it was when she started talking back that I knew I had to stop what I was doing. I heard Weiss's voice in my head, "Sydney wouldn't want this," and on some level I know that's true and on others I couldn't believe that she was really gone. I spread her ashes myself; to the day I got the call a part of me didn't believe that she was gone.

I kept going anyway, Jack had a lead on a woman working from the inside of the NSC; for the covenant. Jack and I decided mutually that something had to be done. It took his convincing, a lot of convincing for me to agree to his plan. To become someone like Irina Derevko made me sick, but Jack was convinced they were covering something up regaurding Sydney's murder. Once the plan was set in motion Jack and I had no contact. Maybe a part of me was trying to move on, Laruen was attractive and she seemed like a good person. In the year and a half I've known her she's given no indication that she's working for anyone but the NSC. I left the CIA and persued teaching, I married Lauren and I realized that I didn't feel exceptionally cut out for anything like this, I found myself caring for Lauren. I wouldn't call it love but I care.

When I got the call from Dixon about Sydney, the entire world seemed to stop spinning. My first instinct was to tell Lauren everything and go to Sydney. Jack was in prison and I had no way of knowing anything further about his investigation or if he knew anything about Lauren. Then I overheard Lauren on the phone, it wasn't anything overt but obvious code, I wasn't able to decipher it but something about the situation struck me and I decided against revealing myself.

So I went to Hong Kong and I saw her. Having her in my arms was probably the most amazing feeling in the world. I'd forgotten what it was like to hold Sydney Bristow and I never wanted to forget again. I wanted to explain myself, anything when she asked me about the ring but it seemed to dangerous. I wasn't affiliated with the CIA anymore and for all I knew they had the safe house under survelliance, which Lauren could have access to. For all I knew she bugged me, if I put Sydney at risk, I'd never forgive myself. I had to keep up appearances. I had to know what Jack knew about Lauren. I stood there, looking at her confused and hurt and told her I was married. Then, in Sydney like fashion she attacked me and ran. She didn't believe me, it would have made me smile if she didn't pack a damn good punch. I intercepted her, tranqed her and held her as she slipped into unconciousness.

So I stood there, days later, after she'd been cleared. After she'd done what Sydney does, gotten Jack out of prison, gotten herself cleared back into the CIA. After running an op of her own choosing and bargaining to get Jack released, which was such a Sydney move. Jack had contacted me, he had secured intel himself that Lauren was in fact part of the reason why the CIA hadn't recieved the intel on any of Sydney's activity in the past two years. The reason no one but Jack had known she was alive. That also meant, Lauren knew where Sydney had been and what she'd been up to. He made it clear that my relationship with her was crucial to finding out what had happened to Sydney.

Going home to her hadn't been easy, imagining the woman I'd spent the last year with had helped keep me from the woman I loved wasn't easy, especially when I held affection for her.

Sydney approached and all I could do was stare. She'd always known when I was hiding something but allowing her to know what I was doing wasn't an option. I know myself, I know what would happen if I told Sydney and Lauren might notice something, if she hasn't already.

Weiss and I watched her walk towards us, I don't know what I was expecting when I saw her. My reaction or hers but it was unbelievable, just seeing her. Alive. It was like a dream.

"Sydney."
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